The Reason

I do not know what is happening to me lately. tantrums is consistently knocking in my door and I always welcome them.

My boyfriend and I are in the point of "walang pakialam". I know it's my fault though (some). But I just can't take it anymore the insecurities that he's been denying from the day 1 of our "couple's life". He'd always asked who is this? are you having sex with him? do you had one night stand with him?" FUCK!!! He's such a jerk in my ass. For the record, his the only guy I met with this kind of thinking.

Yeah, probably you would say "why don't you leave him?" yes I did it already (twice). Both happened this month. Last week was the first and last weekend was the second. I said all the bad words I can! HIS A BITCH! and now, I am thinking of the house we bought. The future I built with him. The family I built with him. The wedding we planned, this is not gonna happened anymore.

He said to me the first time I broke up with him, "no matter how many times you let go and you do not want to see me, Ill always be here for you. I love you too much that I cannot let go of you. I wont let you go, you're my happiness, you're m y life, you're everything to me." (in tagalog) and he said that to me again last weekend. I know him that well and I know he mean what he said.

I am in love with this man from day 1 I met him in Araneta until now I am typing this. (so what's the problem?) because I can't breathe anymore, because I wanted the life that we had before. The life that was not so complicated and we don't worry of others. What am I saying is that, he's been too selfish. For the past three years we've been together all I could hear from him is that "intindihin mo na lang ako!, intindihin mo naman ako. Hindi mo ba ako maintindihan?" YES, FOR THREE YEARS. All I had to do is understand you even you can't understand me. I gave it all to him. I gave every understanding  he needs, the trust he wants, the love he couldn't get to any one. I gave it all to him. I never asked for anything just this one, TRUST ME. For God's sake. My world revolve in your world when you asked me to do so. I never asked anything from you, I never demanded for a rose on my birthday, I just need your presence. I never asked chocolates from you when it's valentines, 'coz I need is your hugs and kisses. I never demanded a gift from you on Christmas season 'coz I want you to spend it all in your family and be with them. I never asked you to buy me new stuffs during new year 'coz I know your saving all your money for your family. I never complained when you can't see me because you have scheduled basketball game 'coz I know you need exposure for your basketball career (to become a professional player soon).

I NEVER DEMANDED ANYTHING FROM YOU, I just need you to trust me. And that's all. I never asked anything and this is all I got? I also want you to understand me, I also want you to trust me, and I also want you to love me more than anything else. Why is it so hard for you to see that? to give that to me? you always said to me "ano ba yan mahal, three years na tayo ganyan ka pa rin magisip!" It's because I never felt you understand me, I never felt you care, I never felt you trust me.

I couldn't question your love to me, that is awesome. But building a life together means having love, understanding and trust. But the 2 factors are not in our life. That is what I need you to do. That's all I need from you. But your putting gap in it. You're putting too much boundaries in giving  every attention to me.

I am confident that you changed everything in me. From party goer to home alone. From alcoholic drinks to H2O. From shopping to investments. I know you know everything that you changed in me. I am not saying that I regret doing that or because I am forced by you to that. Honestly, I did that because I love you and I understand your thoughts, I trust you that it will not only benefit our relationship but I my self. I never doubted your faith, I never questioned anything you say. To sum it all up, I became your follower. And I chose that. Because I LOVE YOU.

I am just asking you two things: TRUST and UNDERSTANDING.

And once you can give it to me, we can  be as happy as you wished to be happy.

But for now, let our relationship be this way. Let's give ourselves the time to breathe and think.