I do not know what is happening to me lately. tantrums is consistently knocking in my door and I always welcome them.
My boyfriend and I are in the point of "walang pakialam". I know it's my fault though (some). But I just can't take it anymore the insecurities that he's been denying from the day 1 of our "couple's life". He'd always asked who is this? are you having sex with him? do you had one night stand with him?" FUCK!!! He's such a jerk in my ass. For the record, his the only guy I met with this kind of thinking.
Yeah, probably you would say "why don't you leave him?" yes I did it already (twice). Both happened this month. Last week was the first and last weekend was the second. I said all the bad words I can! HIS A BITCH! and now, I am thinking of the house we bought. The future I built with him. The family I built with him. The wedding we planned, this is not gonna happened anymore.
He said to me the first time I broke up with him, "no matter how many times you let go and you do not want to see me, Ill always be here for you. I love you too much that I cannot let go of you. I wont let you go, you're my happiness, you're m y life, you're everything to me." (in tagalog) and he said that to me again last weekend. I know him that well and I know he mean what he said.
I am in love with this man from day 1 I met him in Araneta until now I am typing this. (so what's the problem?) because I can't breathe anymore, because I wanted the life that we had before. The life that was not so complicated and we don't worry of others. What am I saying is that, he's been too selfish. For the past three years we've been together all I could hear from him is that "intindihin mo na lang ako!, intindihin mo naman ako. Hindi mo ba ako maintindihan?" YES, FOR THREE YEARS. All I had to do is understand you even you can't understand me. I gave it all to him. I gave every understanding he needs, the trust he wants, the love he couldn't get to any one. I gave it all to him. I never asked for anything just this one, TRUST ME. For God's sake. My world revolve in your world when you asked me to do so. I never asked anything from you, I never demanded for a rose on my birthday, I just need your presence. I never asked chocolates from you when it's valentines, 'coz I need is your hugs and kisses. I never demanded a gift from you on Christmas season 'coz I want you to spend it all in your family and be with them. I never asked you to buy me new stuffs during new year 'coz I know your saving all your money for your family. I never complained when you can't see me because you have scheduled basketball game 'coz I know you need exposure for your basketball career (to become a professional player soon).
I NEVER DEMANDED ANYTHING FROM YOU, I just need you to trust me. And that's all. I never asked anything and this is all I got? I also want you to understand me, I also want you to trust me, and I also want you to love me more than anything else. Why is it so hard for you to see that? to give that to me? you always said to me "ano ba yan mahal, three years na tayo ganyan ka pa rin magisip!" It's because I never felt you understand me, I never felt you care, I never felt you trust me.
I couldn't question your love to me, that is awesome. But building a life together means having love, understanding and trust. But the 2 factors are not in our life. That is what I need you to do. That's all I need from you. But your putting gap in it. You're putting too much boundaries in giving every attention to me.
I am confident that you changed everything in me. From party goer to home alone. From alcoholic drinks to H2O. From shopping to investments. I know you know everything that you changed in me. I am not saying that I regret doing that or because I am forced by you to that. Honestly, I did that because I love you and I understand your thoughts, I trust you that it will not only benefit our relationship but I my self. I never doubted your faith, I never questioned anything you say. To sum it all up, I became your follower. And I chose that. Because I LOVE YOU.
I am just asking you two things: TRUST and UNDERSTANDING.
And once you can give it to me, we can be as happy as you wished to be happy.
But for now, let our relationship be this way. Let's give ourselves the time to breathe and think.
A shout out of my life.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Waiting in Vain
For the record I am waiting for 2 days now. This isn't because we're not okay or there's a problem we need to solve. This is about my future, my own future. I don't know how long this is gonna be. All I know is that every day when I opened my emails, no email coming from them. But I was advise that it will take 20-46 days to know the result. I can not tell you now what it is. Because it might not be for me. I wanna make sure things are in proper places before I publicly tell it.
Anyways, everyday of waiting is such a nervous break down. I really wanted an "yes" answer but it is really up to them.
Dear Lord God,
Please help me with this. I know I am a sinner and I have no right to ask you a favor for me. But you also did say that we should lift it to you and you'll carry our burden. I've been trying to have this for the long time. I hope this is it! I hope this wouldn't break my heart. I have so many plans already, I even day dream about it. And I know you know that. Lord God, I will never question your plans for me but I am grateful each day because I am alive, my parents are safe, healthy as well as my brothers and Raymond's family. Thank you Lord for the digital answers you sent to me for the past days :) it made me really happy.
Thank you Lord. I'll be forever your follower!
Sincerely,
GCVB
Speaking of Parents, my Mom, left a note indicating how they felt about my attitude for the past days. I don't know actually what I told them but I didn't mean it (I guess!). And pansin ko din naman sa sarili ko lately, I've been so irritable to smoke, to people, to parties, to everything. Like my friends said I am having HORMONAL IMBALANCE. =). And I actually feel that! Going back to the letter they left, ,my Mom said that I forgot to respect them. AND THEY KNOW THAT I AM BUILDING MY OWN LIFE. So they know that my boyfriend and I are planning to have a family? ahahaha, that's to far future for us. If you'll ask me, yes, I wanted to change my last name to his last name. But as he said let's take it one step at a time. A supposed to be wedding on August 4, 2011 (which is my 24th birthday) was postponed and planned to have it a year after or 2 years more. LONG ENGAGEMENT! yes! I am okay with it right now. I know he wanted to be the best son-in-law and a husband to me. PERFECT! and so they said that, na-feel daw nilang wala na akong respeto sa kanila but I can respect other people. I wanted to say, I respect people who also respect me not because I have to respect them its because they respect me too.
That is the question I wanted to ask to every parents. Why you always said to us that we are "just" your child? That we need to respect you. I know that! And you'll say "when you become a parent you'll know". well, I have to respect my child too if I wanted to be respected. In my opinion, if you want people respect you, respect them too. Respect is earned not gained.
This is just my opinion and I am not rebellious child or I am having a trouble with my parents. Actually, we're cool. I could say that we have the best relationship as parents and child. May be there were times like this that they MISINTERPRET my words or actions. I am aggressive person, straight forward, I'm not a back stabber and if I am mad, Im mad. I wouldn't follow you when you say be nice.
To some it all up "MY ATTITUDE IS BASED ON HOW YOU TREAT ME"
Anyways, everyday of waiting is such a nervous break down. I really wanted an "yes" answer but it is really up to them.
Dear Lord God,
Please help me with this. I know I am a sinner and I have no right to ask you a favor for me. But you also did say that we should lift it to you and you'll carry our burden. I've been trying to have this for the long time. I hope this is it! I hope this wouldn't break my heart. I have so many plans already, I even day dream about it. And I know you know that. Lord God, I will never question your plans for me but I am grateful each day because I am alive, my parents are safe, healthy as well as my brothers and Raymond's family. Thank you Lord for the digital answers you sent to me for the past days :) it made me really happy.
Thank you Lord. I'll be forever your follower!
Sincerely,
GCVB
Speaking of Parents, my Mom, left a note indicating how they felt about my attitude for the past days. I don't know actually what I told them but I didn't mean it (I guess!). And pansin ko din naman sa sarili ko lately, I've been so irritable to smoke, to people, to parties, to everything. Like my friends said I am having HORMONAL IMBALANCE. =). And I actually feel that! Going back to the letter they left, ,my Mom said that I forgot to respect them. AND THEY KNOW THAT I AM BUILDING MY OWN LIFE. So they know that my boyfriend and I are planning to have a family? ahahaha, that's to far future for us. If you'll ask me, yes, I wanted to change my last name to his last name. But as he said let's take it one step at a time. A supposed to be wedding on August 4, 2011 (which is my 24th birthday) was postponed and planned to have it a year after or 2 years more. LONG ENGAGEMENT! yes! I am okay with it right now. I know he wanted to be the best son-in-law and a husband to me. PERFECT! and so they said that, na-feel daw nilang wala na akong respeto sa kanila but I can respect other people. I wanted to say, I respect people who also respect me not because I have to respect them its because they respect me too.
That is the question I wanted to ask to every parents. Why you always said to us that we are "just" your child? That we need to respect you. I know that! And you'll say "when you become a parent you'll know". well, I have to respect my child too if I wanted to be respected. In my opinion, if you want people respect you, respect them too. Respect is earned not gained.
This is just my opinion and I am not rebellious child or I am having a trouble with my parents. Actually, we're cool. I could say that we have the best relationship as parents and child. May be there were times like this that they MISINTERPRET my words or actions. I am aggressive person, straight forward, I'm not a back stabber and if I am mad, Im mad. I wouldn't follow you when you say be nice.
To some it all up "MY ATTITUDE IS BASED ON HOW YOU TREAT ME"
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Not a good day for a beeyatch
its been a week already that I am annoyed by my boyfriend's attitude. Actually, before it never came in to my mind that I'll not let go him (anymore). But now to be honest. I am thinking of letting him go and giving up on this relationship. Or maybe I am just mad at him that is why it came across my mind. I guess!
When I entered High school and entertained suitors by then, I had tons of short term relationship. That is why I was quoted as the school's play girl. Way back then I do not want to hear of that because I know to myself that I am not. Let's just say the boys I had relationship with was not my destiny. Oh yeah, I do believe in that. But some wouldn't agree with me because people make their destiny not destiny making people. :).
Senior Year, I met this guy whom I go gaga with. 1 year and six months of an on and off relationship! He cheated on me twice. And I didn't noticed it for 6months. I thought he was just busy way back then because he was in his freshman year in College. I trusted him. And found out later on that he had, not one but three girlfriends AND WE HAVE ONE BOYFRIEND! I am the one who found it out. Never been that late. And so we broke up.
I cried a river. nah, i think ocean!!! =). And I wished that Ill never bumped into him again. And when they found out that I am free and single. Suitors came in and out again for me. But at this time I chose no one. I wanted more to be alone. because I want him to be mine again. And yes it happened, and this time we are both in College but in different University, different year level, different course and different City. Yes, Its a long distance relationship that's why he cheated on me again! strike two! ;).
And while Im mending my broken heart, my 2nd serious boyfriend came along. We've been together for 1 year and 6months also. I can't remember how the two of us separated. But all I know I got tired of his BUMness in life. He was out of school youth. His trying to be good in school but his brain can't take it so he decided to just work, unfortunately, he never stayed long in his work! I broke up with him the day of my birthday. As of now, I cant remember our happy moments all was the pain I felt when I am with him. But I do not love him anymore. I promise! not even a little. Breaking up with him never came into my limbic system and not even a whole day of crying came into my mind. I felt happiness when I ended the relationship.
I am 2 years single. There were still suitors but it never lasted because when I said no, it wont change. I graduated from College, I finished it with flying colors. And June 2008, bumming around is my profession. We watched NCAA opening game with friends. There, I met my current boyfriend. I remembered everything. I remembered how I felt the first time I saw him. I remembered everything. The way I smiled. The way he looks. EVERYTHING!
And yes, I did met him with the help of my friend which is his team mate! Oh yeah, his a varsity basketball player. A rookie. So his popular in our University. I remembered my face when we both introduced, the way I held his hand. The way I looked. I remember those! And yeah, we became lovers.
As of today we've been together for 2 years and 7 months. His my longest relationship out of three relationships I had. Like the other couple in love we also had trials that we managed to surpass.
I love the way he smiles, the way he cared about me, the way he showed/expressed his love to me. But there's one thing I didn't like about him. The way he viewed life. It will always the start of argumentation. He has a mind of a shoe box! His not open to any changes in life. His very futuristic. He always started something good and he will not end it right. And that's pisses me off.
But every time I saw his face. His smile. All the anger I feel for him was gone, until now the magic stayed.
And now, I realized, before ending this, I cant let go of him. Because I know I am lucky to have him in my life. May be I cant accept that side of him. We have different opinions and I can not accept his. But to sum it all up. I know, his the man God prepared for him. I know he can be with me through all the shit I do, through all the madness.
What I like about him is that every time I am mad at him he'll just hugged me and kissed me and say "no matter how mad at you are to me, I still love you and I can't let you go" =)
I started this I felt giving up and letting him go AND ended this of loving him more and not letting or giving up on him. Because this relationship ain't "just" a relationship but this is a "worth" relationship.
Well, I guess all I have to do is write it down and let my emotions burst out so I could see what kind of Man I have. A man that every woman dreamt of . And I am blessed because I have him for almost 3 years of my life.
When I entered High school and entertained suitors by then, I had tons of short term relationship. That is why I was quoted as the school's play girl. Way back then I do not want to hear of that because I know to myself that I am not. Let's just say the boys I had relationship with was not my destiny. Oh yeah, I do believe in that. But some wouldn't agree with me because people make their destiny not destiny making people. :).
Senior Year, I met this guy whom I go gaga with. 1 year and six months of an on and off relationship! He cheated on me twice. And I didn't noticed it for 6months. I thought he was just busy way back then because he was in his freshman year in College. I trusted him. And found out later on that he had, not one but three girlfriends AND WE HAVE ONE BOYFRIEND! I am the one who found it out. Never been that late. And so we broke up.
I cried a river. nah, i think ocean!!! =). And I wished that Ill never bumped into him again. And when they found out that I am free and single. Suitors came in and out again for me. But at this time I chose no one. I wanted more to be alone. because I want him to be mine again. And yes it happened, and this time we are both in College but in different University, different year level, different course and different City. Yes, Its a long distance relationship that's why he cheated on me again! strike two! ;).
And while Im mending my broken heart, my 2nd serious boyfriend came along. We've been together for 1 year and 6months also. I can't remember how the two of us separated. But all I know I got tired of his BUMness in life. He was out of school youth. His trying to be good in school but his brain can't take it so he decided to just work, unfortunately, he never stayed long in his work! I broke up with him the day of my birthday. As of now, I cant remember our happy moments all was the pain I felt when I am with him. But I do not love him anymore. I promise! not even a little. Breaking up with him never came into my limbic system and not even a whole day of crying came into my mind. I felt happiness when I ended the relationship.
I am 2 years single. There were still suitors but it never lasted because when I said no, it wont change. I graduated from College, I finished it with flying colors. And June 2008, bumming around is my profession. We watched NCAA opening game with friends. There, I met my current boyfriend. I remembered everything. I remembered how I felt the first time I saw him. I remembered everything. The way I smiled. The way he looks. EVERYTHING!
And yes, I did met him with the help of my friend which is his team mate! Oh yeah, his a varsity basketball player. A rookie. So his popular in our University. I remembered my face when we both introduced, the way I held his hand. The way I looked. I remember those! And yeah, we became lovers.
As of today we've been together for 2 years and 7 months. His my longest relationship out of three relationships I had. Like the other couple in love we also had trials that we managed to surpass.
I love the way he smiles, the way he cared about me, the way he showed/expressed his love to me. But there's one thing I didn't like about him. The way he viewed life. It will always the start of argumentation. He has a mind of a shoe box! His not open to any changes in life. His very futuristic. He always started something good and he will not end it right. And that's pisses me off.
But every time I saw his face. His smile. All the anger I feel for him was gone, until now the magic stayed.
And now, I realized, before ending this, I cant let go of him. Because I know I am lucky to have him in my life. May be I cant accept that side of him. We have different opinions and I can not accept his. But to sum it all up. I know, his the man God prepared for him. I know he can be with me through all the shit I do, through all the madness.
What I like about him is that every time I am mad at him he'll just hugged me and kissed me and say "no matter how mad at you are to me, I still love you and I can't let you go" =)
I started this I felt giving up and letting him go AND ended this of loving him more and not letting or giving up on him. Because this relationship ain't "just" a relationship but this is a "worth" relationship.
Well, I guess all I have to do is write it down and let my emotions burst out so I could see what kind of Man I have. A man that every woman dreamt of . And I am blessed because I have him for almost 3 years of my life.
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